More fun than carbon dating

I do my fair share of online dating, and yes I follow most of the precautions- I get their phone number, we talk for a bit, we meet in a well populated area. Usually. And I've had enough good experiences where sometimes I let my guard down a bit and don't let myself think about the bad things that could happen. But the other day, I really made myself a little bit frightened. Not that I could be assaulted or it could be a setup or that the person would stalk me.

That he could possibly have a lisp.

I thought about this because I'm talking to this really fun guy and I feel like we're totally connecting. We've made plans and he's traveling way far to come hang out with me... but we haven't actually spoken on the phone just yet. I probably shouldn't worry so much- I can hang out with a guy with a lisp once in my life. It's not like we're talking about him being a baby rapist or something. But I'm so afraid the elementary school kid in me will come out and I'll either be unable to stem my laughter or I'll make him say things like "Sufferin' Succotash!"

And yes, I think we can safely say I'm a horrible person.

I'm taking a long time to write this entry, and I've just discovered this guy is a lot shorter than I originally thought he was. So if I can weather this revelation I think I can deal with him having a lisp. If he does. Man, I'm so paranoid! I think it's because I was traumatized by my first online dating encounter- the dude was way way fatter than his picture! The lisp is the new fat. Goodness.

Minor inconvenient construction on the information superhighway

I was just in my room, at my desk, surfing the internet when I exclaimed "Oh no!" with apparently enough distress for my roommate to ask what was going on.

"Youtube is going to be down for scheduled maintenance in a few hours!" I replied.

"Wow." she said.

I guess a few hours without instant access to Otters Holding Hands or Kitten in a Box is fine with her, but it is not with me. This is Web 2.0, people! "You" are Time Magazine's Person of the Year! The most essential part of the word Youtube is YOU!!!!

I know I'm overreacting. But come on, don't tell me you don't feel the same.

Enjoy this video (while you can)- an infomercial for bananas (aka The Atheist's Nightmare), brought to you by Kirk Cameron.



Would that all bananas were "well-made." Try upping your quality control, God!

Well so much for not getting ahead of myself

For better or for worse, I've decided to take a risk and put my name in the bucket to perform standup at the UCB open mic event Gutbucket on Friday. HOLY cow.

So yeah, got a few more days to prepare, and who knows, I probably won't even get to go. But you might be wondering how I decided to take such a leap when it was scary for me to even start this blog, and I haven't even given anyone the link to it yet (and yes, I know at this point that means I'm talking to myself).

I just figured, since I'm in New York and I'm meeting all sorts of funny people I think basically I want this to be like my Sabrina moment in my life- the semi-shy girl from Texas goes on a whirlwind adventure in the big city and blossoms into her own and everyone back home can't believe it's her because she's way funnier than she was before. Also she cut her hair and became smokin' hot. I haven't cut my hair...yet.

Also, I'm in the habit of doing things just to say that I did it. That was why I went white-water rafting while I was a camp counselor, why I dragged my ass out of bed on a saturday morning to go to the immigration rally in Chicago, and why I camped out alone in the freezing cold Soldier Field to audition for American Idol. It's probably also what makes me extra freaky in the bedroom, fellas. So I thought, why not break my standup hymen at one of the most famous comedy theaters in the world? It's totally New York too. My next big New York thing to try- riding the subway.

Potato, potato (sorry it's more of an aural phrase)

The other day I was wondering what exactly the difference is between a humorist and a comedian. I was so curious in fact, that I turned to Wikipedia. Not that it takes a lot for me to turn to Wikipedia- the other day I was drinking a Tab, and I started wondering about what other sodas you don't hear a lot about these days. I thought, Pepsi Blue, is that still around? Nope. Then I got into clicking around through other commercial failures. I personally remember and like the Arch Deluxe. And I was quite tickled and delighted to learn that Michael Ian Black was the voice of the Pets.com sock puppet dog! *fist pump* Knowledge!

But I digress. Wikipedia basically says that comedians try to entertain people by making them laugh, and a humorist writes or performs humorous material. You'd think they were the same at this point, but whoever wrote the humorist article says "The material written and/or performed by humorists tends to be more subtle and cerebral than the material created by stand-up comedians and comedy writers. The intention is often to provoke wry smiles and amusement rather than outright belly laughs."

I thought about which definition applies to me. Certainly I think being a comedian is the lifestyle I want to have- seems more glamorous and trashy and real. Humorists are people I think more of as behind their typewriters (yes, in my head all humorists use typewriters and never computers) writing and rewriting until they turn out an article for the New Yorker or one of those prose pieces you always hear on NPR being read by the author. Sounds like an OK life as well, but more grown up and respected. Who really needs that, I ask? I'd rather be adored by New York hipsters than wryly smiled at by people's fathers in the Midwest.

But I think there's just no telling whether something I say or write is going to make someone laugh out loud or if they're just going to smile or get the urge to poop. It's the same way I'll watch comedian Jim Gaffigan sometimes and chuckle lightly to myself, and yet read Dave Barry and have to put down the newspaper while I catch my breath.

So I think my point is, whatever. To each his own. Can't win 'em all. When in Rome.

Welcome!

This is my grand experiment. This is Legendary Gams.

The story behind Legendary Gams is that I want to try my hand at writing a comedic-type blog. Being an intern at a television network known for being sort of a hub of hilarity (Oooo synonyms! Cryptic!), much of my job has included seeing, reading, and laughing at funny things. I consider myself to be kind of an amusing individual, and somewhere inside me I think other people might want to read or listen to what I have to say. If I ever gather the courage, I may see if I have what it takes to be a standup comic. But I don' t want to get ahead of myself. That's my shadow's job.

As far as the name goes, it's just a phrase that I think has pleasing phonetics and makes me smile. I also wouldn't mind one day being known for my legendary gams (legs, for you kids who weren't raised in the 20s)- right now my gams are kind of run-of-the-mill.* And when I was trying to come up with names for this blog, this was the only one I entered in Google as all one word that didn't give me any results, except to suggest that perhaps I meant to type 'legendary gamers?' Oh, no Google. I did not.

So hopefully maybe I'll make you laugh, whether out loud or in your head.**





*The moment I typed this phrase I got a craving to know its origins. According to the Internet, "This expression alludes to fabrics coming directly from a mill without having been sorted or inspected for quality. It has survived such similar phrases as run of the mine and run of the kiln, for the products of mines and kilns. [Late 1800s]." I'm a little disappointed. I thought it was going to involve footraces.

**Hmm. LIMH, or Laughing In My Head, would be kind of too honest to use while instant messaging, wouldn't it? Am I not good enough for you to LOL? If you ever talk to me online, don't use it. It will crush my spirit.