The Pew

I got to church late today. Not too late, but late enough to feel like I was interrupting.

I sat down in the empty back seat at first, but then I noticed the glaring plastic sign affixed to the top of the pew back- RESERVED FOR USHERS. Damn.

So I scouted out and found a nice place in a row with only one woman in it. She looked youngish, about my age. Blonde, slim, wearing high heels, yet her presence was oddly non-threatening. I sat and opened up my red book, then decided it was futile to try singing what everyone else was singing. And I'm not one to peek at the book of the stranger next to me to see what page we're on. Creeptown.

I'm sitting, minding my own business and thinking about how later I'll force myself to work out, when along an even TARDIER couple sits next to me. Now, the pew I'm in sort of juts out unevenly- the back of the seat in front stops, and the bench I'm sitting on keeps going.

My mind is racing. Should I scoot over? Should I wait until it's time for kneeling? I wonder if they know how distracting and uncomfortable they're making me.

I steal a glance. It's an Asian-looking woman and I can't really see the guy. But instantly, I feel less uncomfortable. Then I started thinking about how racist I really am, and I'm in church. And then I think about my other sins. Hoo boy, can of worms, open in my head!

I decide I will just sit tight where I am until it's kneel time, then I'll scooch over and let them in.

Just then, they get up and find another seat on the side of the church. WHEW, I sigh inside my head with relief.

Then I think of how much brain energy I just wasted. And I hate myself very much. But just for a split second, because then I catch part of Church, and they said Jesus loves me. Yay!